What If? - Spider Jerusalem

Taking a look at what should have been, could be or simply would make an interesting idea...What If? Steve Taylor-Bryant plans a new comic book film - with pooh...

It's been a while since the team here at The DreamCage HQ let me have any actual power. I miss it, telling folk what do and what is right is what I was born for! I am Ego-Man if you will. Now they've locked me in a cupboard with only my imagination, which can never be good, so I thought I'd have a go at a What If? column. Now I am fully aware that I am against the constant making and remaking of comic book films and think we should calm it down a bit, BUT! they have locked me in the comic cupboard so its inevitable that this is now going to be a comic book film pitch. Bear with me though and I will at least try and be mildly interesting and do justice to Kneel's earlier love in with this particular character.

Spider Django Heraclitus Jerusalem is my kind of character. I know a man in real life who could quite easily be Spider, our very own Kneel Downe, and with my love for Hunter S. Thompson I was always going to write this article eventually. Spider Jerusalem is a Gonzo Journalist, a writer of The Truth and one pissed off dude. Dragged back to the hell hole of The City after wasting all his publisher’s advance without actually producing a book, Spider takes up the challenge of eradicating political corruption. He is a chain smoking drug addict that is proud to announce he always armed. A vast array of weaponry including a rocket launcher, some grenades he was given at a party, and the car destroying Upper Hand can all cause massive carnage but it is Bowel Disruptor which always fascinated me. Whether it's the funny schoolyard humour of seeing someone mess their underwear or the more serious effect of complete collapse, I don’t know but pooh is always entertaining right?

So to a cast, a director and a writer. It would be far to easy to be obvious and follow the Hunter S. Thompson traits back to my favourite director Terry Gilliam, and whilst this would be an 18 rated film and slightly more serious in tone than a Marvel comic, I still want someone that can appreciate the character and the comics charms whilst making pooh entertaining. Step forward Mr Kevin Smith! Uber comic nerd, top drawer writer, fantastic director and a man who can definitely entertain with pooh! Don’t believe me? Go watch Dogma.

Getting someone to play the role shouldn’t be a problem. Hollywood’s finest are all queuing up around the block to get their turn in a comic book film at the moment and the elite amongst that crowd would give up control of their own bowels to work with Silent Bob, so we can go ahead and cast knowing we have complete harmony on the set. Patrick Stewart (X-Men) was always a huge fan and desperate to play the part and whilst that would have been orgasm inducing, I do feel he is slightly too old for the role, so he gets to play the corrupt Senator in our tale of corruption. So to the man himself...

Grumpy, angry, drug addicted, chain smoking, someone that joins the word 'Fuck' to anything to create another word, someone with the war addled life experience that Spider the Journalist would have seen but still young enough to create havoc and leave ruined trousers in his wake. After seriously toying with an experiment to make a hybrid Johnny Depp/Hugh Laurie monster, and wondering if id get the insurance for Charlie Sheen, I considered Ryan Gosling who has the star attraction to bring fans to the film, and loves the dirtier of roles. Consideration was also given to Jason Statham, Colin Farrell, and Michael Fassbender before I sobered up and plumped for an extraordinary actor that I loved in everything he's appeared in and would gladly buy his first drink on set for - Sam Rockwell!

As Sam Bell in Moon and James Reston Jnr in Frost/Nixon, Sam Rockwell showed he could hold his own as a serious actor and that his on screen presence was as good as anybody’s. In Seven Psychopaths he showed the more wild and crazy side that would be needed, and even stood toe to toe with Robert Downey Jnr in Iron Man 2. In Snow Angels he stole the screen. He is rapidly becoming one of my favourite stars of this generation, and I myself offer complete abuse of my bowel for this to happen.

Image - IMDb and Wikipedia.