Film (sort of) - Top Ten Movies of Kim Kardashian

We love our top tens here and, when Barnaby Eaton-Jones offered to do a Kim Kardashian top ten list, we locked the legal team in the stationery cupboard and said go for it...


When you think of Kim Kardashian, you may wonder who she is, what's the point of her existence, how exactly is she famous and why is she named after a race of aliens in Star Trek: The Next Generation? On the other hand, you may love her for all of the things she brings to the world of self- serving celebrity and vacuous self-promotion. Either way, aside from showing acres of flesh and having a reality television show about her family, there's something the majority of the public often overlook and needs to be addressed. I'd like to be the one who undresses her. Sorry, 'addresses', not 'undresses'. It's easily done.

Long before Kim Kardashian became known for promoting her backside on Twitter (can we legitimately call that a 'butt plug'?), she actually was a highly respected actress who starred in many classic films that should have gained her more respect and recognition than taking her clothes off and breaking the internet ever would. It's true. This was, of course, in an alternate reality where Hugh Grant made Divine Brown's School Days, Randy Quaid made National Buffoon's Mexican Emigration and Tom Cruise made The Last Scientologist. She even had a cameo as Sue in Simon Pegg's famous 'Geppetto' biopic trilogy of films (where his uncanny ability to become Matthew Corbett, the much-loved puppeteer, has pigeon-holed him forever): Sooty Of The Dead, Hot Furr and The Puppet's End. So here, for your viewing pleasure, are the Top Ten Movies of Kim Kardashian that you may not have heard about...

10. Selfies In The Rain

Lina: 'If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been us just being vain for nothin'. Bless you all.

In 1927, Dong Cockwood (Kanye West) and Lina Lamentable (Amber Rose) are the darlings of the silent silver screen. This is mainly because they have horrible singing and speaking voices. Offscreen, Dong has to dodge Lina's romantic overtures, especially when he falls for chorus girl, Kathy Selfie (Kim Kardashian). With the advent of sound in motion pictures and the need to see at least one actress get naked to sell the movie, it is decided to turn Dong and Amber's new film into a 'porno' and a musical one at that. So, Dong raps badly and Lina's voice is replaced by that of Kathy's. However, when Kathy can't stop posting pictures of herself in the recording booth, Lina finds out and merry hell ensues.

9. The Kardashianator

Kardashian T-800: 'I'll butt crack!'

A cyborg assassin called 'The Kardashianator' (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is sent back nude through time to 1984, to kill the seemingly innocent celebrity Kim Kardashian and all of her family, long before they will lead the human race into moral and social decline through their pointless existence as rich, self-motivated cults of celebrity. If The Kardashianator succeeds, mankind is saved. Kim Kardashian's only hope is a soldier from the wrong side of the tracks, a 'ghetto blaster' (he's from the ghetto and carries a gun, hence his nickname), who has chased The Kardashianator through time as his life is tied up in the survival of this family of false icons. The future of social media depends on who finds who first (and who takes the first selfie to upload onto Skynet).

8. The Silence Of The Fans

Horrible Lecture: 'Well, Glastonbury – have the fans stopped screaming?'

A clearly deranged Horrible Lecture (Kanye West) is let out of a mental asylum to try and prove that he's the biggest rock star in history. His journey ends at Glastonbury, where it's proved, quite definitely, that he is not. Kim Kardashian cameos as his love interest and handler.

7. Star Whores: Episode V - The iCloud Likes Hack

Princess Leer: 'I have a bad feeling about this...'

After receiving a sex-text from Obi-West Kanye (Kanye West) and fleeing the social media site that published an iCloud attack, Look Selfietaker (Kim Kardashian) travels to a forgotten web browser, where she is instructed in the ways of the Press (an ancient force that turns everything to your advantage if you give in to it) by the legendary search engine Yahoo. Meanwhile, Hand Solo and Princess Leer (the sort of grubby fans who like looking at iCloud stolen photos) maker their way to planet 4chan, where they are greeted by Hand's old friend, a shifty hacker named Land An Kardashian (Ray J). Ambushed by the Press shortly after their arrival, Hand and his friends are imprisoned by Privacy Invader (Bruce Jenner), the Dark Lord of Sin. Look Selfietaker leaves Yahoo to try and rescue her stolen iCloud nude photos and is met by Privacy Invader and told that – if she succumbs to the Press – he will change his name to Priscilla and start wearing a dress instead of a cloak, which leads to a startling revelation... 'Look! I am your Stepfather!'

6. Monty Python's Life Of Kanye

Kanye's Mum: 'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty rapper.'

The Monty Python team reunite to take on the story of Kanye West and how he became the biggest rockstar on the planet, according to him, with fans worshipping him in the cult of celebrity. Terry Jones plays Kim Kardashian and Eddie Izzard, replacing the late Graham Chapman, adopts a James Mason voice to portray the whitest Kanye West there's ever been. Which, of course, means that they aren't parodying Kanye West at all and it just happens to be someone else who raps badly and is called Kanye by mistake.

5. Kardashianstein

Doctor Kardashianstein: 'Look! She's moving. She's alive. She's alive... she's alive, she's taking a selfie, she's removing her clothes, she's alive, she's alive, SHE'S ALIVE!!'

Doctor Henry Kardashian, after separating from his wife and realising he has no income, puts together a creature (Kim Kardashian) that will make money by doing absolutely nothing; apart from shambling around the place and frightening normal people.

4. WithKardashian & I

Kardashian: 'I must show my boobs. I demand to show my boobs!'

London, 1999 – two unemployed and unemployable rich kids, Kardashian and Hilton, fed up with all the media attention surrounding their every move and countless sex tapes, decide to leave their penthouse apartment they share and slum it in Kardashian's country estate. But, when they get there, it rains non-stop and they can't go outside for fear their hair will get ruined and their make-up will run. Matters are not helped by the arrival of Nicole Ritchie, who shows an uncomfortably keen interest in Hilton and wants them to do a show together.

3. Much To Do About Nothing

Bendick: 'I would my horse had the speed of your Tweets.'

In this very loose Shakespeare adaptation, Benedick (Kanye West) and Beatrice (Kim Kardashian) spar good-naturedly with each other until finally ending up together. Using iambic pentameter. Which is a bit like rapping in Ye Old English. Without each other, it transpires, their lives are shallow, hollow and unfulfilled. With each other, it's agreed, their lives will be the same but they'll have more money. 

2. Gone With Her Wind

Rhett: 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a polished ass!'

The epic, sprawling tale that narrates the love between Scarlett O'Buttcheeks (Kim Kardashian) and Rhett Bigstar (Kanye West) during the American Uncivil War, where people just aren't polite to each other anymore and legalised farting has overtaken slavery as something American can look back and be ashamed about. It's the history of a selfish, flatulent woman who doesn't want to admit the feelings she has for herself are more than the feelings she has for the man she loves. When she finally loses him, she gets a magazine cover out of it where she bares her backside in a literal and metaphorical dig at her former lover. But, he also gets a magazine cover and a new album of songs detailing their break- up. So, in the end, nobody wins.

1. Citizen Kanye

Kanye: 'Rose buds...'

Manipulator of the media and rap mogul, Kanye West, tells the story of how he stopped dating Amber Rose and her big budding boobs and, instead, started dating – and eventually marrying – Kim Kardashian and her even bigger and more budding boobs. All whilst playing it out over every social media outlet possible. It's a masterpiece of cinema and culture and art... says Kanye. Everyone else? Nah, not so much.

Surprisingly, we couldn't find any of these films on Amazon.