TV - Stargate SG1

Chevron seven is locked as steve harris looks back through the watery circle of Stargate SG1 as only he can...

Remember James Spader and Kurt Russell having big screen adventures in ancient Egypt that was on another world because they went through a giant, vaginal doobrywotsit? And that geezer who was a ladyboy in The Crying Game was called Ra even though he didn’t wear half a ra-ra skirt in the movie. Remember?

Well in the TV series James Spader isn’t James Spader any more and Kurt Russell isn’t Kurt Russell any more but their archaeologist and kill-death-invade-give-kids-a-lighter archetypes live on with new actors and the same names. Not the James Spader and Kurt Russell names, their character names: Doctor Hugh Jackman and Colonel Jackman Or Kneel.

In the TV series the two Jackman’s team up with a big bald fuck of a general who is actually a hammond organ, a clever astrophysicist lady who had a sex-change after being President Carter when she was a man, and a former member of TLC. Or is he made out of talc? Anyway, his name is Deep Voice Alien Chap and he comes from the planet of Jaffa Cake.

The planet of Jaffa Cake is just one of the many planets available to visit through the vaginal doobrywotsit, all of which look like a field in America unless they look like on a television studio set in America or a clearing in an American forest.

And what larks they have, chasing down the relatives of ra-ra skirt dead person from the film, all of whom seem to be named after Egyptian gods because they have snakes in their stomachs. There are proper aliens too who pretend to look like Norse gods but are really Roswell escapees made out of plasticine and coated with lipgloss.

And there are nicer Egyptian god type people who do still have snakes in their stomachs and who have weird Barry White voices unless they speak normally, but they don’t want to kill everyone. Except they do want to kill the other Egyptian ones because those other Egyptians ones are total bastards and always hog the remote control for the telly and never buy them anything nice for Christmas and once did a poo in the swimming pool of someone famous and blamed it on the nicer snake persons.

For years and years and years this goes on. Series after series after series. Aeons pass while you try to watch all of the episodes and eventually everyone you see in the real world looks weird because they don’t have a McDonald’s logo on their forehead in gold paint. So you go back to the Stargate SG1 world and you wear tinfoil hats and you become convinced that Kennedy was a gay, lizard with a wayward snake that could sing deeper notes than Grace Jones.

And when you’ve finally lived through ten lifetimes and seen all the episodes of SG1 you can treat your withdrawal symptoms with Stargate Atlantis and Stargate Margate and Stargate Deputy Dawg and Stargate Bod and Stargate Diplodocus. Some of these exist. Ok only one of them but they should make Stargate Margate cos they could have aliens that take on the form of violent seagulls and ice creams.

Anyone got any Jaffa cakes?