Doctor Who - Christmas Special

Last Christmas steven harris gave us his heart, but we gave it back and asked for this article instead...

Ho ho Who. Sweary old Nick Frost as Santa Claus. Sweary old Peter Capaldi as Santa Who. Non-potty mouth Jenna Coleman as Clara Claus. Natalie Gumede and her professional dance partner Artem Chigvintsev as Mr and Mrs Stalin. Or not that bit but there was a Natalie Gumede bit. All of her, in fact.

Dream crabs. Urgh. Sounds like an STD you can catch from dirty pillowcases. But, tee hee, it makes sufferers look like they've turned into walking cowpats. Or the Children of Tancredi, beehive headed bad guy from 4th Doctor story City of Death.

And yet they also looked like the aliens from, well from Alien. Moffat is unafraid of litigation, however, as Ridley Scott never acknowledged that his breakthrough movie was stolen from The Ark in Space, another 4th Doctor story. And, far be it from me to tell tales, but I think Scott also ripped off a Philip K. Dick story for Bladerunner.

And it was all a dream. Probably. So probably that I almost expected Santa to be the latest incarnation of The Dream Lord. Only he wasn't an utter smegger. Or a detectorist. Or Stoke City's kit manager.

Some bad news. Clara, it seems, has signed on for the new season. I like Clara and I lurve Jenna Coleman but I really do think it was time she and Mr Eyebrows said goodbye. I'd quite like Saibra back from the Time Heist episode to be the new companion.

Snow. Slinkies. Tangerines. Dressing gowns. Miniature replicas of Lenin armed with nuclear potatoes. This special had everything. Twitter is full of bumwipes. Most of my time line bitched about the ep as soon as it was over. Not Kneel, he done liked it. But loads of people moaned and whined. Why don't they sod off and watch paint drying instead? Clearly all they can handle. It's Christmas, it's shown earlier than normal, granny will be watching along with the the kids - it's never going to be the scariest or darkest in the canon. So what? Grinches. Scrooges. Grumps. Cowpat faces.

Oh yeah, when the cowpats came off they disintegrated, like cowpats being sprayed with disintegrating plop spray. Love it. I also love the bit where the Lion, hippo, giraffe and zebra had to deliver presents on Christmas Eve, with the help of the penguins, because they'd knocked out Santa and lost his memory. Or was that a Madagascar thing?

Nick Frost shook his belly like a big bowl of jelly. Peter Capaldi gyrated his eyebrows like only he can. Jenna Coleman didn't understand a lot of things which is disappointing as she used to be smarter than she is now. That's what happens when you become a teacher I guess.

Oh and there was Danny Pink. Hardly a Christmas treat. He hasn't learnt to act since dying. But he was still heroic enough to tell Clara to wake up and forget him. Again. Forever. Cruel to be kind. Which is why Clara should leave the show. So she can team up with Amy in an all new version of Cagney and Tall One.

So to recap. I loved it. If you didn't you're a massive humbug and should shove sage and onion up your bottom. And I now find cowpat faces slightly erotic. Mind you, I am writing this from a psychiatric ward. On the moon. In the 52nd century. Nobody mention Wham!

Image - BBC.